


The Absurdities of Being a Master

by San121



Series: Stories from Chaldea [1]
Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Basically a series of bull happening at Chaldea, Gen, Please Don't Take This Seriously, i sure as hell didn't
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2020-05-31 13:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19426828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/San121/pseuds/San121
Summary: Being the Master of Chaldea has its ups and downs. A lot of those downs are found in the Singularities that she has to travel through. The ups, though? Those come from making friends and making fools of themselves.





	1. Dead Inside the Kitchen

EMIYA enters the kitchen and nearly returns to the throne of heroes due to a heart attack. He never wanted to see a Master, especially his own Master, laying still on a floor. However, here Fujimaru Ritsuka lays, face down on the kitchen floor with a skillet sizzling butter on the stove beside her.

“M-Master?” he gently prods, jumping at the loud, long moan she lets out. While he’s glad to know she’s alive, EMIYA doesn’t know how to react to a lack of enthusiasm from the usually excitable Master. Her moan dies out, leaving them once again in an awkward silence.

“EMIYA-san? Why are you-MASTER!!” Altria cries, rushing around EMIYA to try pulling Master up. Ritsuka moans again, actually whining, “Just leave me here to diiiieee,” before slamming her head back on the floor. EMIYA winces at the loud thud while Altria looks at him in confused terror. Sighing, he crouches down to poke at their Master.

“Nuuuuuuu,” she against the tile. EMIYA sighs and shakes his head, remembering how childish Rin would be when he was both Shirou and her Servant. Despite this, he pokes her with his finger again.

“Master, what has caused you to give up,” he asks, raising an eyebrow when she shifts her body enough to point to the trash can not too far from them. Blinking, EMIYA stands up to peer into the bin, choking at the cheery yellow yolk surrounded by watery egg white pooled at the bottom of the trash bag.

“D-did you crack an egg into the trash?” he demands to know, hearing her moan again while Altria blinks at them in confusion.

“Don’t remind me,” she begs, pressing her face against the floor harder. Sighing, EMIYA picks Ritsuka up, ignoring her yelp of surprise, and looks at her carefully. Despite the light flush that could be from embarrassment, he sees her eyes are slightly hazy and she’s breathing through her mouth. Clicking his tongue, he hands her over to Altria.

“Please take her back to her room then return for the food I make her,” he instructs the King of Knights. Altria blinks, accepting their whining Master with a nod before turning and leaving the kitchen. Sighing, EMIYA rolls up his sleeves, shifting the skillet off the stove to put more butter into it to make up for the evaporated fat. Grabbing an egg from the egg carton on the counter beside the trash can, he idly wonders how she got sick. None of the Singularities have been especially cold or wet, he recalls as he cracks open the egg. It doesn’t make sense, he decides, reaching for the skillet handle only to grasp air. Blinking, he looks down only to see a second yolk nestled beside the first in the trash can.

* * *

“EMIYA-san? I’ve retur- EMIYA-SAN!!” Altria shrieks, arriving back to the kitchen only to see the Archer laying, face first on the floor. The King of Knights flails about, unsure of what to do, before pausing when he groans, “Now I know how Master felt.”


	2. The Great Baking Disater of Chaldea

Nero pouts at the mess before her, which doesn’t look remotely like the picture of batter within the book. Nursery Rhyme and Jack both look up at her like this whole mess is her fault, which it isn’t.

“I don’t know what you did, but this isn’t cookie batter,” Child Gil comments, dipping his finger into the liquid batter and pulling it out, scrunching up his nose in disgust. Nero huffs, crossing her arms and glaring at him while Nursery Rhyme and Jack both turn back to the cookbook.

“It’s not my fault! If I didn’t have to watch over all of you, then Praetor would already have fresh cookies,” she argues, sniffing and looking down her nose at Child Gil. The little King of Heroes scrunches up his nose and sticks his tongue out at her, going so far as to blow a raspberry at her. Gasping, Nero takes a swat at the little blond, barely missing him and knocking over the bowl full of batter.

“Ooooo, EMIYA-san isn’t going to be happy,” Jack points out, getting a glare from Nero.

“That servant will be fine. However, Praetor deserves only the best and you ruined it for her,” Nero snaps at the child Servants. Nursery Rhyme shies away from the angry Saber while Jack glares back, her pupils slitting as if about to attack. Child Gil laughs, snapping their attention from each other.

“It’s not their fault, it’s yours!” he points out, howling with laughter. Nero puffs up her cheeks before pointing at the Archer angrily.

“You poured milk into the batter when it asked for no such thing!” she shouts. Child Gil stops laughing to pout at her.

“But milk and cookies~” he whines, laying his head on the counter. Nero slams her hands down on the dusty surface of the table, a small cloud of flour rising around her.

“Milk doesn’t go into cookies!” she shrieks. Child Gil scowls up at her, flicking his finger to summon one of his chains to knock her down. Nero yelps as she lands on her bottom, landing in some oil and egg that had been dropped earlier. Child Gil laughs loudly while Nursery Rhyme looks over at her worriedly while Jack just blinks down at her.

“Rrrrr, how dare you!” Nero yells, standing and grabbing a handful of flour to fling at Child Gil. The little Archer yelps and dives out of the way, just as Ritsuka walks into the kitchen, getting a face full of flour. The kitchen abruptly becomes silent as the Servants watch on in mild horror as Ritsuka just blinks. She puffs out a cloud of flour, blinks again, before starting to laugh. The Servants watch as their Master just laughs, wiping at the flour on her face with a snicker.

“So, what’s going on in here?” she finally asks, smiling and giggling still. Jack and Nursery Rhyme hurry over to hug her while Nero and Child Gil glare at each other.

“We tried to make cookies,” Nursery Rhyme explains from one side. Jack continues, “but the dough didn’t work.” Ritsuka looks into the bowl, humming before laughing again, shaking her head.

“Well, let’s start from the beginning,” she says, taking off her over coat and pushes her undershirt sleeves up to her elbows.

* * *

EMIYA enters the kitchen and pauses, smirking as he watches Ritsuka tell Nero how to separate egg yolks and egg whites while gently scolding Nursery Rhyme for trying to take a cookie from the cooling rack. Child Gil and Jack are off to the side with colorful tubes full of frosting.

“Ah, EMIYA! Wanna help us make some macrons?” Ritsuka asks, smiling up at him. The Counter Guardian chuckles under his breath before entering the kitchen, grabbing an apron to help them bake.


	3. Bullshit Luck

Ritsuka frowns, counting out thirty Saint Quartz from her hoard. There is currently a rate-up for Gilgamesh’s Archer form and she wants to try summoning him to have a five-star Archer to help her other Archers.

“Alrighty, let’s go,” she mumbles to herself, turning to the summon circle and settling the Saint Quartz into the center. Stepping back, Ritsuka cuts her palm, wincing in pain, before letting her blood drop onto the circle.

“ _Let silver and steel be the essence._  
Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation   
Let my great Master Fujimaru be the ancestor  
Let rise a wall against the wind that shall fall  
Let the four cardinal gates close.  
Let the three-forked road from the crown reaching unto the Kingdom rotate.

 _I hereby declare._  
Your body shall serve under me.   
My fate shall be your sword.  
Submit to the beckoning of the Holy Grail   
If you will submit to this will and this reason…Then answer!

 _An oath shall be sworn here!_  
I shall attain all virtues of all of Heaven.   
I shall have dominion over all evils of all of Hell! 

_From the Seventh Heaven, attended to by three greet words of power,_  
Come forth from the ring of restraints,  
Protector of the Holy Balance!”

Ritsuka felt the magic flow around her, the wind blowing up her hair as her magic circuits call out to more Servants. She feels the arrival of five Servants and five Craft Essences, however, she focuses on ending the summoning safely before opening her eyes to see who or what she summoned. Choking in shock upon seeing who she summoned, Ritsuka briefly wonders if she’s hallucinating.

“Are you the one who summoned us?” Cu Alter growls, his tail lashing back and forth while Gilgamesh’s Archer form raises an eyebrow and looks down his nose at her. Count of Monte Cristo sneers at Ozymandias and Iskander, who ignore the other three Servants to chat about being considered Kings to the Throne of Heroes.

“Holy shit, this is going to bite my ass hard, isn’t it?” Ritsuka wonders aloud without answering Cu Alter’s question. The Servants blink and watch as the Master crouches down, breathing heavily, attempting to control her breathing. Once she seems to have regained control of her breathing, Ritsuka stands back up, raising her right hand over her chest and bowing.

“I am Fujimaru Ritsuka, Master of Chaldea and the one who summoned you,” she answers, a professional face in place despite her minor breakdown earlier. Iskander laughs loudly, stepping forward to slap her back, rocking her back and forth.

“Come now, little Master! Explain about what will bite you in the ass,” he chuckles, resting his hand on her head. Ritsuka coughs, face coloring while Monte Cristo raises an eyebrow at her. Looking away from the five men, Ritsuka awkwardly walks out of the room, trying to ignore Iskander’s question.

“Now, we can give you all rooms if you wish,” she tells them, leading them out of the summoning room and toward the spare bedrooms.

* * *

Ritsuka sighs heavily, rubbing at her headache while looking at the materials she managed to collect. None of the materials are what she had been going for, but time wasn’t on her side, changing to a different training ground despite her rushing. She doesn’t even have enough of the other materials to upgrade anyone.

“I knew it was going to bite me in the ass,” she whines, burying her face into her arms.


	4. Cú's Party

Proto Cu peeks around Master’s room, making sure she isn’t hiding in the corner, before grabbing the weird game console and four controllers. Hurrying down the hall, he slides to a halt outside the room he shares with his other versions before kicking open the door.

“I got it!” he crows in victory, setting the console down at the table his Caster-self is sitting at. His older self perks up excitedly while Caster picks up the screen-console-thing, looking it over.

“Nice! What’s it got?” His older self asks, leaning on Caster’s head, to the annoyance of the magic user. Proto shrugs as he walks over to Berserker, prodding at him with the end of his spear. The Altered-form scowls at him, swinging his tail toward his younger self. Proto hops out of the way with an impish grin.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun,” he coos at Berserker, while Caster stands up and fixes up the console. Berserker growls, rolling his eyes and reluctantly dragging himself over as Caster fixes up the game while Lancer settles at the side of the table.

“I doubt it,” Berserker huffs as a voice exclaims the name of the game, coaxing for the person playing as Player One to press start.

* * *

Ritsuka pauses outside the Cus’ room, frowning at the yelling and arguing that sounds slightly different from usual. Peeking into the room, she blinks in surprise at what she sees. Berserker is laughing loudly while Proto is arguing with Caster and Lancer is staring blankly at the screen as Bowser jumps up in celebration from a finished Party.

“What’s going on in here?” she asks, stepping into the room. The Cus freeze, turning to her in surprise, Proto even going so far as to fall back onto his ass.

“Mario Party,” Berserker states, turning back to the screen and tapping the A-button. Bowser is covered by a screen, which explains who did what on the stage, which reveals that Mario and Luigi both had terrible luck while Roselina was barely beaten out of first place.

“So… Aside from Berserker, who was who?” Ritsuka asks, sitting down at the table to listen to Proto and Lancer whine about being absolutely destroyed while Caster complains about how annoying some of the mini-games were. Berserker curls around Ritsuka, purring lowly against her back, which only sets off his other selves even worse.


	5. EMIYA vs Boudica

Walking into the Chaldea kitchen at the request of both EMIYA and Boudica, Ritsuka wasn’t really sure what to expect from her Servants. The sight of Nero and Altria confuses her briefly before she shrugs and sits in the empty seat beside them.

“So, what’s going on here?” Ritsuka asks, glancing around the kitchen curiously. EMIYA and Boudica are silently putting away cleaned dishes, occasionally glaring at each other or the covered dish beside the other.

“I believe they are going to have us judge who is the better chef,” Altria guesses, trying to appear composed even thought Ritsuka can tell that the Saber is excited with how her antenna wiggles on the top of her head. Nero chuckles, covering her mouth with her hand.

“They picked one with the most impeccable of tastes, umu,” she brags, puffing up her chest and lifting her head in pride. Ritsuka giggles, turning forward as the Archer and Rider set their dishes down in front of the two Sabers and the Master.

“Under these covers are a meat dish, a side dish, and a sweet dish. Please pick your favorite between our dishes,” EMIYA explains, lifting his cover first. Ritsuka inhales in surprise at the Japanese dishes before her. Karaage Chicken with Komatsuna Nibitashi and chocolate Mushi-pan sit before them.

“Make sure to take your time and taste the food. We want to know who’s the best between us,” Boudica requests, lifting her own cover to reveal traditional English dishes. Some Scotch Eggs with Yorkshire Pudding and a Bread and Butter Pudding. Ritsuka’s mouth is practically a waterfall as Altria lights up excitedly at the familiar looking foods and Nero looks between the two trays, unsure of where to start.

“You each get one of each dish, so that there is enough for you all to judge,” Boudica explains while EMIYA plates up his food first.

“So, after judging, the rest is open to be eaten?” Ritsuka asks, nodding and smiling when EMIYA sets his food before her.

“Yup, but we want to know what you actually think before we let you three eat the rest,” Boudica answers fondly. Ritsuka nods before trying EMIYA’s food first.

* * *

“So, have we decided?” she asks Nero and Altria. The Sabers nod seriously to their Master while the chefs wait nervously for the final judgement. Ritsuka turns to her Servants with a professional face.

“We have decided that, of the food presented to us today, EMIYA wins 2 to 1. However, Boudica, all three of us really enjoyed your dessert, so please, don’t fret,” Ritsuka announces. EMIYA straightens his back with pride while Boudica sighs in disappointment but still smiles at the reassurance from their Master.

“May I please request more?” Altria asks politely, getting a laugh from the others. Nero beams and bounces happily, chirping out, “Me too, me too!”


	6. Cú-chan's Adventure: the Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first of the Cú-chan mini series.

Wandering down the hall of Chaldea, Ritsuka frowns at the information on her tablet, swiping back and forth to figure out what is the issue with Cu Alter. His stats are fluctuating back and forth, almost to a different Servant, which worries her for the times she would need to call upon him in the field. Arriving at his room, Ritsuka knocks on the door, waiting patiently for a reply.

“What?” he snaps through the door. She flinches at the sound, but stands firm, calling, “Are you okay? Your stats are fluctuating, and I want to know if there’s anyway I can help.” There’s a pause before the door opens abruptly, something is dumped into her arms, and the door slams shut again.

“That’s the fluctuation,” Cu Alter growls from in his room while Ritsuka blinks at the bundle in her arms. It looks like a stuffed plush version of Cu Alter, with its eyes completely red and a grumpy little frown on its face. It turns in her arms to look up at her while she looks back at it, absolutely bewildered.

“Um… Hello,” she tries, yelping when the thing scowls and prods at her with its tail.

It grunts, pointing at the floor while glaring at her angrily. Slowly, Ritsuka lowers the thing to the floor, startling back when it takes off down the hall, leaving her blinking in its wake.

“…huh…” she mumbles.

* * *

The next time she sees the little guy, he’s fleeing Medb, his tail straight up and his little legs pumping as fast as he can go.

“CU-CHAN!! COME TO ME!!” Medb yells, her arms outstretched. Without really thinking, Ritsuka steps forward and scoops the tiny Servant (because that’s what he is according to Romani and Da Vinci) up into her arms. Without another word, she turns and walks away, ignoring Medb’s whining, begging, and threats. She enters her room and closes the door on the Rider before setting the little guy down.

“Sorry about that. I figured you didn’t want to deal with her,” Ritsuka apologizes. Cu-chan (as anyone who sees him calls him) blinks up at her, frowning thoughtfully, before giving her a thankful bow and grunt. Ritsuka smiles down at him before settling down on her bed to plan out what to do for training and gathering materials. After a few minutes, she hears her door open and close, signaling Cu-chan’s departure.

* * *

Her third meeting with the smallest Servant occurred when she stumbled into the kitchen for a late-night snack. Blinking blearily at the grumpy looking Servant, Ritsuka snorts before opening the refrigerator and pulling out two puddings. Carefully dumping the puddings into two shallow dishes, she slides one dish in front of Cu-chan, a teaspoon set beside him, before eating her own pudding. The Servant perks up, happily digging in and gobbling the pudding up quickly. He lets out a little burp before turning and giving her a grunting nod, hopping off the table and out of the kitchen. Ritsuka hums, blinking drowsily before allowing herself to rest her eyes for a few minutes. The next time she opens her eyes, a worried EMIYA looms over her as Boudica starts to cook breakfast.

* * *

Another meeting occurs after an afternoon spent learning Projection from EMIYA and how to use the lances she creates from Scathach. Groaning, Ritsuka drops face first into her pillow, just shy of screaming into the material. Her door opens, causing her head to pop up to check on who has just entered. All she sees from her position is the door closing, confusing the Master until she hears the soft sound of small feet patting on the ground before the material on her bed is pulled. Peeking over the side of her bed, Ritsuka doesn’t stop the smile from crossing her face as Cu-chan grunts irritably as he tries to climb up onto her bed. Reaching down, she pulls him up against her chest, grinning when he grunts in thanks and pats her neck. The two lay there, lazing about for a few hours before Ritsuka is needed for something else.

* * *

Her next meeting with Cu-chan turned into his first time joining her on the battlefield. Her team of Jack, Gilgamesh Archer, and Waver were helping her gather items to help her Sabers. They pause to catch their breaths (or more accurately, for her and Waver to catch their breaths, Jack looking for cuddles, and Gilgamesh talking himself up and looking down his nose at his Master and fellow Servant), only for Ritsuka to feel something poke her ankle. Looking down, Ritsuka blinks at the tiny Servant staring up at her from beside her foot, a little red lance in his tiny hand.

“Cu-chan?” she chokes. Cu-chan grunts and nods, swinging his little lance toward the monsters while looking up at her.

“I think he wants to help fight,” Waver huffs, yelping when Cu-chan turns quickly around to jab at the Caster with his lance. Scooping the tiny Servant up, Ritsuka looks down at Cu-chan curiously.

“Is that true?” she asks. Cu-chan looks up at her before giving her a grunting nod. Ritsuka smiles and presses a kiss against his little forehead.

“Thank you,” she tells him. Cu-chan practically beams before motioning for her to put him back down. As they head off again, she misses the smug look Cu-chan gives Gilgamesh, while the Archer glares at the smallest Servant, growling about stealing his mongrel.

* * *

After the battle, Cu-chan makes sure to be near Master constantly, getting little pets and kisses every so often. Originally, the little Servant didn’t see what his design-sake saw in Master. She didn’t seem strong, or smart, or fast, or anything a good master should be. Now, Cu-chan adores Master for her creative strategies, her absolute faith in him on the battlefield, and how she’s so much stronger than she appears. The fact that he gets to make the big, dumb Servants angry because he protects Master from them is just a bonus. Cu-chan toddles over to Master, tugging on her pant leg to get her to pick him up. She does, laying down for a nap. Cu-chan curls up against her chest, comfortable and smug. Master is his for the next hour or so, and he will fight anyone who tries to interrupt their nap time.


	7. Uno with the Knights

They gather around the table, faces somber and stoic. Their kings sit among them as equals, while the magician flits about the chairs, his face always wearing that teasing and mysterious smile. The air is thick with tension, eyes gauging opponents and allies alike. The silence spreads until Mordred slams a card down.

“Draw four, Father. And the color is red!” She exclaims, leaning back smugly as Lancelot and Gaiwan groan. Tristan frowns thoughtfully while Bedivere looks at his own hand, carefully eyeing his cards. Altria groans, drawing four cards from the deck in the center while her lancer-counterpart taps a nail on the table.

“Oh ho! She got you pretty good, Altria!” Merlin laughs, dodging the Saint Quartz Mordred procured just to throw at the Caster. The Saber huffs, sitting up while Bedivere places a red 8 down, calmly.

“Hey, Merlin. Ritsuka-chan is… looking… for…” Romani trails off, blinking upon entering the room. The table has a good number of cans, bottles, and bags from snacks and drinks surrounding it. All the Knights are stripped of their armor, something they only do when they are in a single area for a long period of time.

“Ah, is Master looking for me? Hopefully for some nice dreams,” Merlin hums happily, skipping over to the poor Doctor. Romani blinks rapidly, shaking his head before frowning at Merlin.

“No, she wants to know what you did to her underwear,” Romani corrects, his face lightly flushing about talking about Ritsuka and anything private. Merlin freezes, feeling the glares of all the Knights in his back.

“Hahaha… Well… You see…” Merlin trails off before sprinting out of the room, pushing Romani out of the way, only to yelp when Fou leaps at him in the hall. Romani leans out the door, watching the Mage of Flowers run down the hall, before turning back into the room.

“Now, how long have you all been in here?” Romani asks, crossing his arms. The Knights look at each other, blinking in confusion.

“Um… two days? Was it two?” Altria tries to answer, cocking her head to the side. Her older self huffs and shakes her head.

“No, we’ve been in here for eight hours. It’s just felt longer,” the regal “King” answers, turning back to the cards in her hand. Romani chokes, sputtering, “What the heck have you all been doing?”

“Playing Uno,” Gaiwan answers, finally slapping down a card from his over-filled hand. Tristan places a green two on top of Gaiwan’s red two, looking on as Lancelot sighs and starts drawing cards.

“I- I see,” Romani sputters, deciding to leave the Knights to their game. Exiting the room, Romani groans and rubs at his temples.

“This isn’t what I predicted,” he whines, even as a smile crosses his face. Shaking his head, the doctor heads back to the Control Room, humming to himself while Merlin loudly begs Ritsuka to forgive him.


	8. Coat Thief: EMIYA Archer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first in a series of stealing coats and cloaks from Servants.

EMIYA frowns, crossing his bare arms while glaring at where his freshly laundered coat should be. Should, as the large red coat is missing. Sighing, he rubs at his temples and grits his teeth. There are few pleasures he allowed himself to indulge in, and one of them is cleaning his coat using the washer and dryer, leaving his coat that perfect temperature for relaxation. Groaning, he turns and starts to hunt down who ever stole his coat.

His first stop is the Cu room as Master has taken to calling it with a little laugh. Entering, he scans the room, ignoring the inhabitants for the moment. Upon not seeing any red material, he turns his attention to the four Cus.

“Have any of you seen my coat?” he asks, trying to remain civil to the annoyance that is Lancer (and Proto). The four men share a look with each other before shaking their heads.

“Can’t say we have, asshole,” Lancer calls, a cheeky grin on his face. EMIYA narrows his eyes at the man, knowing exactly what the blue-haired bastard was trying to start and refuses to rise to the bait. He refuses.

“Then where the fuck would it be, you Irish drunkard?” EMIYA throws back, blinking slowly as Caster cackles at the insult and Berserker watches in mild amusement. Lancer scowls and stands, lance appearing in his hand. Proto leans forward on the table, an eager grin on his face.

“What the he-” Lancer starts, only to screech when, from seemingly nowhere, Scathach pinches his ear with a disapproving look. The other Cus immediately flee the room as the female Lancer turns to EMIYA.

“He doesn’t have your coat. Master probably knows. Leave,” she orders him. EMIYA nods and bows, fleeing from the woman. Once he feels that he is at a safe enough distance, he slows back to a walk and goes hunting for Master.

* * *

She wasn’t with Romani in the med bay, or with Da Vinci in the workshop, or Mash near the training area. Leaving EMIYA to stand in front of her room, where only a few select Servants are allowed in. While Master told him that he could come and go whenever he wants, he still hesitates. Sighing, he takes in a deep breath before opening the door.

“Master, have you… seen… my…” he trails off, blinking at the image before him. Master is curled up on her bed, her hair loose of its usual side tail to fan around her face. Covering her is his coat, which she clings to, holding the collar to her face cutely. EMIYA inhales, fighting back a coo at how sweet and adorable his Master looks. He also has to remind himself that he doesn’t have any flags set with her, if only to stop himself from kissing her sleeping face awake. Looking around the room, he finds a chair to settle in to wait.

* * *

Ritsuka blinks awake, her vision fuzzy and her body warm under EMIYA-san’s coat. Closing her eyes again, she hums happily as she smells the clean fabric and the undercurrent of EMIYA-san’s scent, still clinging to his coat despite the washing and drying it went through. Nuzzling the material happily, she opens her eyes again, only to freeze with a soft squeak. Sitting by her bed is EMIYA-san, blinking in surprise as a soft flush crosses his face.

“Mas-” he’s cut off quickly by Ritsuka flinging his coat into his face before scrambling out of her bed and out of her room, face a bright red the whole time. Sighing, EMIYA takes his coat with a small smile. Lifting the cloth to his nose, he inhales the scent of Master and sighs happily. A coughing noise startles him, causing him to look at the doorway. Standing in the hall and peeking in are the Cus, with varying looks of amusement, frustration, and want.

“Gimme,” Alter demands, making a grabbing motion at EMIYA’s coat. Scowling even as he blushes, EMIYA pulls on his coat and forces past the four, ignoring how Alter’s tail droops and how Lancer starts yelling at him about assuming and assholes.


	9. Who is Papa?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the child Servants will be saying Momma and Papa, but they aren't talking about genders or bringing in money. They're referring more to the idea of personality behind the terms. Like "mothering" a person.

It’s a daily occurrence when the child and Lily Servants gather in a singular room. Despite being a collection of Servants, they are still children, and Master insists they have a schedule when it comes to meals.

“She’s a great Momma,” Nursery declares to the others. Jack and Lily Jalter nod in agreement, while Abigail focuses on eating her lunch. Alexander and Gil both pout, upset at how the woman they want to marry basically acting like their mother. Lily Arturia and Lily Medea tilt their heads in thought. Paul Bunyan looks up from her food while Medusa, Illya, and Chloe all hum thoughtfully.

“If Master is Momma, then who would be Papa?” Lily Arturia asks. They all pause in thought, frowning thoughtfully.

“Emiya Archer?” Abigail offers when she finally looks up from her food. Lily Arturia shakes her head in reply, pointing out, “He’s more like a second Momma, with all his cooking and cleaning. If Master was with him, she’d be more of a Papa.” The others nod and agree before thinking again.

“What about Cu?” Paul points out. Medusa snorts while Lily Medea hums.

“Well, it will depend on which one. Lancer and Caster are two different kinds of Papas, but Berserker is a selective Papa. He’s only really good with the child Servants that are just as dangerous as he is,” she points out, glancing over at Jack and Medusa. The Assassin cocks her head to the side curiously while Medusa nods.

“And Proto is more like a big brother,” Medusa continues for the Caster.

“We all know it’s not adult me. Maybe Caster me, though,” Gil throws out. The girls all nod in agreement while Alexander hums thoughtfully.

“Adult me is more of a fun Uncle,” Alexander decides. Jack and Nursery cock their heads in confusion while Illya and Chloe nod in agreement.

“Yeah. He’s the kind who likes kids, but doesn’t want any of his own,” Chloe agrees. The other girls make noises of understanding before going back to figuring out who would be a good Papa.

“Maybe Merl-”

“No,” Medusa cuts Lily Arturia off, glaring from under her hood. Lily Medea hums and nods in agreement with Medusa.

“He’s a good teacher, when he behaves. But as a Papa? No,” the Caster agrees. Jack cocks her head to the side before asking, “What about Mordred?”

“Well, she would be an okay Papa, but she’s not the best,” Lily Jalter says after a moment of thought. The others nod and mumble their agreement, knowing that the Saber would try to be the best Papa, despite having a weird relationship with her own.

“What about Count? He’s really nice to Master and he’s both nice and stern,” Nursery puts out. Gil and Alexander cross their arms at the same time, pouting in tandem.

“He keeps snapping at us,” Gil whines while Alexander huffs and nods.

“Is it because you keep claiming that you’ll marry Master?” Lily Arturia asks, giggling when both boys flush. Medusa cocks her head side to side.

“Perhaps Chiron,” she offers. The kids looks around and nod in agreement. Lily Jalter perks up, chirping, “Mister Lancelot would be good! Oh, and Mister Bedivere!”

“Lancelot would be bulldozed by Mash. But Bedivere would definitely work,” Chloe points out. Illya hums before snapping her fingers.

“Mash, Arthur and Sherlock,” she puts out. The kids think, frowns and scrunched up noses abound.

“Mash is a little too shy still, but she could be a pretty good Papa. And Sherlock would need to either adjust or need a specific kind of kid to be a great Papa, but he’d be okay in a pinch. As long as Moriarty isn’t nearby,” Lily Medea hums.

“Arthur would work, though,” Gil admits. They nod in agreement, going back to silence as they think. Alexander smacks his hand on the table, startling the other kids.

“We should probably write down the ones who’d be a good Papa, so Master knows the really good ones,” he offers. The other child Servants blink before nodding and scrambling up with him to look for a pen and paper.

* * *

Ritsuka returns to her room after helping DaVinci with the mana supply, pausing when she sees a stack of paper sitting on her bedside table. Sitting on her bed, she gently takes the papers and starts to read.

_Dear Master,_

_We decided that you’re Momma to us ~~all~~. So, here iz a list of all the sutable Papas that we could think of. _

_~~Cen~~ _

_~~Senserly~~ _

_~~Sence~~ _

_Sincerely, the Child Servants_

Laughing a little hysterically at the idea of marrying a Servant, Ritsuka can’t stop her curiosity of who is in this recommended list from the Servants she considers her kids. Shifting to the next page, she starts to read.


	10. Cú-chan's Adventure: The Mount

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another part of Cú-chan's adventure, this time with Fou.

He’s been following a potential ally for the past week. Upon realizing that, to match one of Master’s steps, Cu-chan needs to take six. This is unacceptable, as he needs to be able to keep up with her to protect Master from anything that comes her way. So, he needs to find an ally to help him. That’s where the little white, fluffy beast comes in.

Following the one called Fou, Cu-chan sees how it reacts to the big Servants. His design-sake is a friend, often giving the little white beast fond scratches. The Caster and his wolves are playmates while the two Lancers often take time to pet Fou. The other Berserkers are kind to the little white beast while the other classes pet or politely ignore Fou. The only Servant Fou dislikes is Merlin, and Cu-chan agrees that the Caster is a nuisance.

Toddling to a halt in front of Fou, Cu-chan narrows his eyes at the beast. The beast sits and cocks its head curiously, chirping at the littlest Berserker. Cu-chan grunts in reply, waving his little lance to explain why he’s been following the beast. Fou’s ears flick thoughtfully, rocking its head back and forth before standing and walking toward him. It lays on its stomach, cooing for him to climb on. Cu-chan pulls himself on to Fou and holds carefully, adjusting as Fou walks in a circle. Once sure of his grip, Cu-chan lightly taps his heels against Fou’s sides, coaxing the beast to move faster.

* * *

Merlin hums, skipping down the hall toward Master’s room, planning on how he can get the cute flustered look she gets when a Servant flirts with her. After all, he’s already done a good number from his usual list and he doesn’t want her to adjust.

“Perhaps I should proposition her,” he ponders, a smile on his face. The smile freezes when he hears the telltale click of little nails on the floor behind him. Slowly turning around, Merlin pales at the sight of not just Fou, fluffing out and hissing at him, but a glaring Cu-chan riding the little beast.

“ah,” he squeaks before turning and sprinting, wailing as the tiny pair speedily follow him angrily down the hall. Passing by the control room, he doesn’t notice how Master and Mash both poke their heads out curiously. The two girls blink, watching a grown Caster flee the smallest Servant riding the fluffy “mascot” of Chaldea.

“I don’t think I want to know,” Mash intones with a sigh. Master laughs softly, shaking her head in amusement.

“I think that’s a good plan,” she agrees, returning to looking over the potential Singularities DaVinci and Romani revealed to them.


End file.
